What is the difference between consensual sex and rape?
haartkenyaSounds like a simple enough question doesn’t it? It isn’t.
For some people, the answer to this question is easy; two people choosing to engage in a sexual relationship equals to consensual sex, as opposed to a situation where one person is forced to have sex which is rape. However, the seemingly clear distinction is often not as simple as one would think, especially when it comes to victims of human trafficking.
Victims of human trafficking frequently come from vulnerable situations of poverty, violence, physical and sexual abuse, all looking for a better future. In this context, often, the person (girl or boy, man or women) has been shown by people around them that their bodies exist for another person’s pleasure, and that they do not have a say in the matter. With this in mind, the distinction between consensual sex and rape is not as clear. When we speak to people who have been trafficked, they often do not talk about the sexual or physical abuse, but the money that has been withheld from them.
Here are some questions that can make the distinction between consensual sex and rape clearer;
- If a person did not want to have sex but was made to is that rape? YES
- If a person does not want to have sex but doesn’t think they can say no is that rape? YES
- If a person was forced to have sex but did not fight back, is that rape? YES
- Is forced sex in a marital relationship rape? YES
- Is sex with a minor rape? YES
- If the person who forced you someone you know, is it still rape? YES
- Is forcing a sex worker to have sex rape? YES
Consent means that both people in a sexual encounter must agree to it, and either person may decide at any time that they no longer consent and want to stop the activity.
Consenting to one behaviour does not obligate you to consent to any other behaviours. Consenting on one occasion also does not obligate you to consent on any other occasion.
Rape is a serious matter that can leave a person suffering, often in silence, with painful physical and psychological effects. The person may feel frightened, guilty, angry, ashamed, sad, hurt, and may have problems eating and sleeping. The first step in dealing with these difficult feelings is knowing what rape is and that it is never the fault of the victim.
It does not matter if they dressed a certain way, at a certain place, drunk, alone, or flirting.
Rape is never okay and it is never the fault of the victim.
Non-consensual sex is rape, and rape is a crime.
If you are a survivor of sexual assault, remember that with time, and support, it is possible to heal. You have survived the hardest part on your own and you do not have to do the rest alone.
By Yasmin Manji
Comments (14)
Doris
Thank you Yasmin for the article. It puts in ink what ought to be said but has always been avoided by society. I think it is indeed important for people to understand that dressing a certain way does not warrant one to rape and neither does being in a relationship with someone. That there are a lot of people in the society that have at one time or another gone through it but don’t feel the need to report it thinking they have no right to do so, is an unfortunate fact. Guided by your article, there indeed deserves to be a line drawn between sex and rape.
evalyn
It’s true that most people suffer in silence coz they aren’t aware that they were by the real sense raped or think that it’s a very shameful thing to disclose. I’m sure after being approached and informed most victims will agree to dislose and discuss their experiences as victims. Bravo the Haart group for the good job.
Mya
I do believe that many cases of rape aren’t reported, due to a misunderstanding of what exactly “rape” is, but I do feel the need to point out that “non-consensual sex” is not necessarily rape.
That said, I think some distinction between what “non-consensual sex” and “rape” is. Rape is where a victim is physically or mentally forced or coerced into having sex, or has sex forced upon them whilst unable to consent, due to drugs, intoxication, fear, age, or position (such as trafficked humans). Rape can include forcing an act not agreed on earlier, such as having anal sex one party didn’t want, despite wanting other forms of penetrative sex, or not allowing for a change in consent during sex, such as refusing to change positions or hurting someone during sex after explicitly requesting the person to stop or move. Rape can even be forcing someone to partake in something they normally would be fine with, but in the specific circumstance, isn’t.
However, this is not the same as non-consensual sex. Non-consensual sex is sex where one party, for whatever reason, does not feel they can decline sex, but is not knowingly forced or coerced by their partner. Instead, they are compelled by external forces and internal beliefs, typically brought on from societal norms.
I have had non-consensual sexual experiences, as the non-consenting party, but I haven’t ever been raped, and the difference is the intent behind it. I was not coerced, not physically or mentally forced into it, nor was I unable to consent, either from intoxication or fear. I did not say yes, then was denied a request for a change in activity/position, I didn’t withdraw my consent halfway through, it wasn’t something that “accidentally” went too far.
However, if I didn’t allow my partner to engage sexually with me, I was scared he wouldn’t want to date me anymore. I was told sex in a relationship was a normal thing, and it was prudish and mean to withhold it. I believed having sex was something I should want and would bring us closer. I said yes, I allowed it, I didn’t make any attempts to stop it or voice my unhappiness with the situation. I even restarted foreplay and assured him I wanted it when he saw I wasn’t into it, despite the fact that I didn’t want it. I doubt he knows that I wasn’t a wholly willing partner, even if he’s aware I was not always enthusiastic. He probably thought I was just nervous. Instead of making my desires known, I capitulated to his under the pretense of making him happy. The fact that I had any sexual encounters I did not want was on me.
People are different. For some of us, the playbook doesn’t work. Not always do make-out sessions or cuddling lead to sex. Non-verbal consent may simply be consent to the current actions, and verbal consent does not always imply approval, only compliance. There is no way for the other party to know if this sexual encounter is compelled or not. This is what non-consensual sex is.
Non-consensual sex is not rape; it is societally forced behavior that has nothing to do with the eager other party. Regrettably, this may be worse for some than others. Having something forcibly taken may not be as bad as willing giving that same thing up when you didn’t want to. Non-consensual sex will always be the victim’s fault, despite being pressured to concede. I will always live with the fact that I could have stopped it with a single word, but didn’t.
Yasmin
Dear Mya,
Thank you for your response to this article and for sharing your experience and feelings of insecurity in your relationship. I think what you have shared is felt by many people; the feeling of ‘if i don’t have sex then they will leave me’, society often tells women that it is their role to give men sex regardless of how they feel or or what they want.
In the article I wrote that “non-consensual sex is rape and rape is a crime”, I still believe this statement to be true. The term ‘sex’ by definition is consensual, terms like rape and sexual assault are not consensual. The term ‘rape’, comes across as violent, and powerful while non-consensual sex sounds less bad, and therefore more people may be more comfortable using it.
In your response you differentiate rape as “Rape is where a victim is physically or mentally forced or coerced into having sex, or has sex forced upon them whilst unable to consent, due to drugs, intoxication, fear, age, or position”.
While non-consensual sex is ” sex where one party, for whatever reason, does not feel they can decline sex, but is not knowingly forced or coerced by their partner. Instead, they are compelled by external forces and internal beliefs, typically brought on from societal norms.”
In your experience, you were not a “wholly-willing partner” however, a key difference you pointed out is; “I didn’t withdraw my consent halfway through, it wasn’t something that “accidentally” went too far”, which sounds there was an element of consent. When you talk about “willingly giving something up when you did not want to” there is still an element of consent.
When I discuss rape, there is no consent, there is no element of consent, or that consent was removed. Non-consensual sex by definition is a form of sex that does not include consent which I would argue is still rape.
Rape is never the victim’s fault, non-consensual sex (still rape) is never the victim’s fault.
Although I do not agree with your understanding on non-consensual sex. I do agree that, in the relationships we build, the onus of having the other person understand us and our feelings falls on to us despite this being challenging and sometimes feeling impossible. Our partners can not read our minds, which is probably a good thing sometimes! and we have to learn to be more open.
Thank you for spending the time to share your thoughts! We all learn through healthy discussion!
All the best,
Yasmin
D
I was in a relationship and didn’t know this boy was waited until I was intoxicated and possibly put something in my drink, to secretly record himself having sex with me while I’m unconscious! Is that no consensual?
frygtl0s
Hi, I am very sorry to hear what you have gone through. What you are describing is what is known as date rape and you are the victim of a crime. Recording anyone while having sex without their knowing is also illegal. I would advise that you seek professional help, someone to talk to like a psychologist or counselor. If you feel comfortable, it would also be a good idea to report it to the police as these are criminal offences.
If you live in Nairobi, you can call us on 0780 211 113 and we can try to help you find assistance.
Yasmin
Dear D,
Sharing your experience takes a lot of courage, thank you for sharing it with us.
You did not consent to what happened, you did not agree to it. You were in a relationship with this person but that did not give him the right to do what he did.
Sometimes people who go through similar experiences see changes in sleep, appetite, the way they feel about themselves, the world and their future. These are normal reactions to an abnormal situation.
I hope you were able to talk to someone, you feel safe with, and get any help you may have needed.
If you do not know where to go to get help please call us on 0780 211 113 and we will try and find you the assistance you need.
All the best,
Yasmin
Sandra O
How do you define rape and consensual sex if it started out consensual and then she changed her mind and now calls it rape? Who is right and who is wrong? Who stands in a courtroom? Who really is the victim? I believe the term”rape” is used to loosely and to often.
Imogen R.
Maybe tell the other person that they want to stop? I mean, the person doesn’t know, maybe it’s not their fault? I think it depends on the laws of the country.
But if the person tells the other person they want to stop, and the other person continues to have sex, and forces the person that doesn’t wish to to have sex, it would be called rape.
Then there are places like countries that have Islam as their official religion, whose women really need a social and political reform.
Hailey
This was a very good article. It made it very clear on what consensual or not. I know there is still more questions to add to if it was consensensual or not but this was a great start and it helped me know the difference in my situation. Sadly it was sexual assault but it made things clear to understand and not get confused.
Yasmin
Dear Hailey,
Thank you for your feedback with this post. It sounds like you found some answers through what you read, for which I am glad.
Going through a traumatic event such as sexual assualt can really affect you and the way you see and are in the world. I hope you were are able to speak to a trained professional to walk you through this.
Wishing you the best,
Yasmin
Michelle
Thank you for the advice Yasmine. I had a situation when in early September and the mean time of intercourse, I stopped. He didn’t like it and he told me he wanted more, I was hestitant and scared cause if I said no, he would’ve hurted me. He didn’t give me much of a choice to let him to keep going. After he left, I was left shaken and didn’t tell anyone about it and didn’t go to the cops and nor the hospital. I found out last night from my friends that he’s a rapist. I am scared of him cause if I see him around, that he could hurt me cause I moved on with my life.
Yasmin
Dear Michelle,
Thank you for sharing your experience. What happened to you is not okay, I cant imagine how scared you must have felt. I am glad to read that you feel you have moved on in life! It might be helpful to speak some a trained professional if you feel comfortable to help you with this horrible thing that happened and to help with a way forward that may have less fear.
If you do not know where to go to get help please call us on 0780 211 113 and we will try and find you the assistance you need.
Wishing you the best,
Yasmin
Tracey
I’m not sure if this is rape or not, I was going to have sex with someone and they wanted to do anal.. I did say I didn’t want to but he pinned me in the bed head down and did it anyway.